How to be Socially Acceptable in NYC
New York City can look a little intimidating, but once you understand the basics you’re free to love this fantastic city. Don’t come across as a ratchet schlep with a fanny pack and no idea where they are. Here is how to blend in with the locals:
Getting Around on the Subway
Lets go over the subway real quick. The subway is the best, fastest, and cheapest way to get around New York (if your destination is too far to walk.) Rides cost about $2 each no matter how far you’re traveling up the line. If you load a bunch o’ cash on a metro card at once, you get bonus money added to your card.
I flat out refuse to take taxis (I mean, unless you want to pay.) And as a bon-a-fide fake New Yorker, you should abide by that same principle.
The subway has a bunch of different letters and numbers that correspond with different trains — this is because NYC used to have two different subway companies that labeled their trains differently. When they joined, they didn’t bother changing the nomenclature. The main things to understand are that you should go by number and letters — not colors — when looking at the map. This is because there are multiple trains running along the lines. Pay attention to the white and black dots on the subway line — black dots are for local trains that will stop alone every stop, but white dots are for express trains that by pass all the other stops.
The white bar on the map isn’t just a deformed express train stop — these mean that different lines intersect and you can hop on another line at that station. Another thing to note is that “Uptown” means in the direction of The Bronx and “Downtown” in Manhattan.
How to Act on the Subway
Now that you know how to navigate the system – lets go over the social aspect of being on a subway. Don’t make eye contact, don’t smile, glare at the wall in front of you like you want to slap it, and don’t sit. Even if you ignore all of that, make sure you don’t talk. New York City is where is come to live on top of thousands of other people, but be alone in your bubble. K? And when those doors open, you better hustle straight out of that car, or hustle out of the way.
How to Walk Across the Street in New York
This is an art form. Stand on the curb and glare at the tourists who step on your heels. Besides that, don’t look up from your phone. Remember — you’re basically super human because you can afford to live in New York. So in the time between when the taxi gets a red light and you get a “walk” sign, you already start walking. Your New Yorker senses told you it was time.
Note: Waiting to cross the street is THE ONLY time that you are allowed to stop moving on a NYC sidewalk.
How to Order Coffee
Venti. It’s always Venti.
How to Talk about Sports
It’s probably better if you just don’t identify with any teams whatsoever. This is just your first day. Keep the team logos at home. If someone brings up the Mets, just start talking about how much you hate New Jersey. Because you do,
Stick to these rules, and you should survive for at least a day or two. NYC is now your oyster.